Tuesday, October 31, 2017


Oh Dear Dark Poet .

Where have we gotten and gotten ourselves out of this time . I promised to never be in an abusuve relationship again after my divorce . I even devoted years of being single and not being with the wrong person to only pick an abusive person again. I spend all my time looking at why would someone treat me so badly and keep coming back to do it ? Instead of why am I allowing it . So let’s get down to the nitty gritty . Why do I need to prove that I am loveable ? To someone who cannot love me ? They do not treat me as I am loveable . My time and love and heart and even my looks were not of value to this person . Why did I need to prove my worth ? Did I not see my own worth within my self ? I thought I did . I thought I was strong . I should’ve left at the first lie , the first sign of abuse . Why am I abusing myself ? Here is something I need to work on . And stay single because dear lord I don’t need to be anyone’s door Mat . I’m writing this because I hope anyone out there in my situation gets out ! Just as I did . Please get out

Thursday, August 3, 2017

Break up

So I break up with new boyfriend . It's to bad I thought he was the one . He continues to do awful things to me . Very awful but blames me . He's an addict I won't put up with his crap and he is never there for me . But he told me he was fine and I'm unstable . This in turn makes me so angry I don't even know what to do with my anger . Have you ever been that mad ? Who abuses someone in such away ? I been there for him this whole time . He just treats me like a door mat to have or do whatever or when ever he wants . My feelings never mattered . Plus he promised to get sober last night he said he never in his life will . I have a little girl . Why or how did I believe in someone who is so evil to me . Who lied and wasted my time ? It's my fault I should've left and stayed gone when I knew he was an addict . They can't even comprehend a healthy relationship and could never meet my needs . He treats his own daughter this way why wouldn't he me . Makes sense right ? He does not protect our relationship or keep my heart safe . Funny he wants me to trust him . How could I trust someone like that ? At all ? He does not care . He never ask how I'm doing or how I'm feeling ever .

His life is work , gym , video games and drugs and drinking . Very grown up . He can't even give me a whole day of his time he needs video games and alcohol and drugs .

He called me un stable ? I'm very sad with myself that I let this sick person hurt me in such a bad way or that I actually believed in his promises when all he did was manipulate me to get what he wanted with out changing any thing .

He's the same person that I met 4 months ago as last night blaming me for his problems
Thank God it's over

Monday, July 10, 2017

Last Dance

I'm not sure he really knows I exist either . He ask why I think he dosent love me , but he isn't there for me when I need him . I don't think he thinks I'm pretty or wants me because he never says so , he won't check this because my writing isn't something that's important to him . He won't share his past when we're together he barely talks , I wonder why he is with me . He says he loves me but what to him is love ? He has all the right words to make me stay , but no actions except at night when we cuddle that's the only time he is really nice . Most of the time I'm sad not happy . What am I holding on to any way ? He dosent understand what's wrong ? I feel like I'm alone . He lives with his ex girlfriend , this I hate every day , if I moved in with an ex he would freak out and go away . I don't get what I need I know this , I don't know what to do . I love him but I'm not happy most of the time but being with out him would be sad to

Friday, June 30, 2017

Look The Other Way

It's my fault . I proceed when there are caution signs . I always hope for the best but I just should listen to what my gut tells me . But when my gut tells me this is it , that didn't work out either . Why can't anyone give same love I give ? If I'm wrong I fix it ! Isn't that what best friends and lovers do ?
Why do people just give up on life . My good friend told me once men are immature and selfish . He himself a man I appreciated the honesty . I appreciate honesty and a hard life that comes by trying to do the right thing and not giving up on yourself or the ones you love . I don't respect a coward . Some people have pain so big they push it away , and in turn they push everything away until there so numb they just don't really feel anymore . I did that before . It took years to feel again I don't ever want to go back to that cold place . Where god can't even reach you .

Be brave ! Admit when your wrong and fight for yourself . I think I just want to be single forever no more men , to lie to me or walk on me . At least no tears being alone right . What happened to people cherishing each other ? Putting each other ahead of them selves ?

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

The Big Question.

It's Tuesday around 4:30 p.m. I have no job and I'm in need of a miracle a big one . I'm here to write about love . What is it ? It's something you give ahead of yourself . The problem is if you hate yourself , you can't give love . It's not in you to give . Your full of insecurities you need to hide . Love requires your whole heart . You have to be in a place to give it to give or even receive love in the right manner .

I can't seem to find this love . People say they love me but they are so selfish or messed up they can't give love back . How do I find the right love ? Will anyone ever truly love me before I die ?

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

When everything is a lie

It's been a while so let's catch up . Let me tell you about the horrible emotional roller coaster I went through a month or so ago . My last 4 month relationship didn't work out , big surprise I kind of knew it from the beginning as you could tell from my last post . The day we broke up texting and fighting back and forth in a furry , I wished in my head my true love would just come back and save me . I swear this is a true story . As we text back and forth I received an email from my love that I been waiting for , for over a year . I was so confused I didn't know how to feel . He was back . But had no reason ? This put my heart in a weird place . I went through so much when he was gone . Why was he here ? After talking back and forth a few weeks I asked him . He said it was because he could always just talk to me . As a friend . Hmmm ... I decided then and there to never talk to him again . Left me in a mess of confusion . But for the first time I was free . What an emotional ride right ?

Strange part is right when this ended I met someone knew . I was afraid to be with anyone . How can love be a lie ? My new guy does whatever it takes to make sure I feel loved by him no matter what .

I feel for the first time maybe this is how love is supposed to be . Are there issues ? Yes . Is he the one
I don't know yet . But here I am for the second time loving someone . Here's to a new chapter .

Wednesday, February 8, 2017


I thought for sure you would come home . So much time has passed and your not here . I met someone new , I'll give it a chance , he never reads my writing and that's my heart so I don't know , how can you be my best friend if you don't read what's the best part of me ? The jury is still out on this one . A year has passed quickly . My heart seems to be getting worse my biggest fear is dying and I'm alone . I'm alone right now . The music plays . I'm tired of hearing how pretty I am how am I single but yet here I am alone . People who acted like they cared aren't here , no one is .