Thursday, December 22, 2016

When You Come To The Surface

it's only a few days until Christmas . Things aren't so good and usually things are pretty great . I'm living on faith . Your the only one who loved me for me . Never touched me on the outside but my insides are full of your finger prints . I have no way to wash them away . No one tries to reach in the middle , your far away in a castle now and I just want to reach you . I'm screaming silently do you hear me still ? I can't escape my own soul , that's your own

Sunday, December 4, 2016

The News

Depeche Mode this week has become some sort of an obsession as well as the quote, "Don't beg anyone to love you." This is true . Why should I ?  Even if he is my one true love, I need to be his. I need to focus on finding a new job. I am here upset I feel betrayed by some of my good friends , maybe his hands were tied but he should have fired that asshole who threatened me at work. He was a piece of shit a real crazy asshole. I am turning in the cover to my new book I need to focus on getting this done and published. Things were going so well and then bamb ! The breaks go out in my car, and I was sick in the hospital and here I am at square one. Its ok Ill bounce back. I need a new car and apparently some new friends.

I have a few great ones thats pretty great too. Fuck you if you have been aweful. My love of my life I think I secretly gave til this December to come back , but there has been nothing.. How has fate lied to me. I feel him every day. I been alone every day and I am beginning to feel alone.  I deserve to be swept off my feet the only thing guys want is sex. Can I get dinner please?

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

What A disaster

It was Valentines night a few years back , I had a horrible date who was drunk when I arrived at his house for our date. I rushed to get off work early , got ready and there he was wasted. A long time child hood friend. They all smoked pot that night , I was so upset about my valentines I smoked too. This wasnt something I usually did or ever for that matter. I took one hit and went into convulsions yes seizures. and my date was passed out i was left alone with a room full of strangers scared and mad. I went to my dates room and laid down, I could not drive home and who could I call on Valentines to pick me up? I laid there, my heart pounded, I called my mom afraid and I just laid there. I stayed up all night looking at my loves instagram the one I had not heard from I was so afraid I would like one of his post being that I was all fucked up, I closed the app. I began to cry. I was up all night. In the morning my date woke up left the room saying nothing and never returned. What a total dick right? I snuck out left. I never heard from him again.

I didnt care because I was still in love with "him". I was dating to forget, It got me no where. Did I tell you what happened in Oregon ? I should write a book on bad dating experiences. I had a friend I talked to over a year , just friends. He offered to fly me out to Oregon for a weekend because I was having a bad week, Ill explain that later, He was handsome and rich and nice, he seemed........

I flew there. Ha! I arrived he told me I was there to have fun , after 2 days of being treated like crap , we went beautiful places but he was drunk and high he whole time, the last night he dropped me off at a ghetto hotel to find my way to the air port myself.  He didnt want his kids to see me....... Nice right ?

I get there , alone in a different state, Im sitting there in pretty pajamas , and I hear water falling, I look in the bathroom the ceiling caved in !!!! I had to run out in lingere with black mascare tears running down my face to get help.


I decided to take along time off dating. The reason I went up there was because of my birthday , did I mention it was my birthday? I was supposed to be at Disneyland with a guy who hit on my friend.

So..... I took months off dating. Why was getting these guys. I didnt want anything serious maybe that is why
I still loved my guy > He was no where to be found.

So 3 months goes by I begin talking to this guy in Oceanside he is pretty good looking , we go out and have good connection, then disappears.

Then my love comes back !

Finally. But then he left 3 months later , So here I am 1 year and 6 months later single. No dates thank you
do you blame me.

Friday, September 2, 2016

What is the issue

Why is it so hard to find someone ? Am I not pretty enough ? Is it beauty in today's world ? Tell me ? Is it because my heart has been sold to someone else ? Every person I meet just wants too hook up they have no intention of knowing me . I'm tired of hearing you will find the right person someday because I'm 38. Now I'm convinced I'm doing something wrong . So tell me what am I doing wrong ? I'm begging everyone out there to tell me . Leave your comments below . 

Thursday, August 18, 2016

When Is It Worth It

It's 10 pm it seems all my blogs are written at 10 pm . I'm in bed and listening to The Used again . I was thinking about self worth . Have you ever hung out with someone and felt like you needed to be more to be accepted by them ? 

If I had a better car , job , body , the list could virtually go on . Till we are mad and this blog is very important so please listen carefully . 

So your thinking am I enough ? Do you have a low self esteem ? What is it ? 

There is a huge conclusion that I believe has been dismissed . Maybe perhaps these people don't treat you based upon your worth , because maybe if they did would you feel lacking ? Sure no one is responsible for making you feel whole 
This is not what am I saying , I'm also not saying you walk around sulking for compliments to feel better - this is not my point either . 

Of course it's always good to improve you but at the whim of your own expectations and standards . 

If you are around someone that makes you feel less , you just might , just might not have a true friend or lover . Maybe they feel inadequate themselves . 

So when you look in the mirror your not happy change it , but if your not happy looking in someone else's mirror change them - you know what I mean . 

Life is to short be around people who lift you up and give you more than crumbs 

Remember you are the stock everyone wants to buy !!!! 

- Agent Orange 

Thursday, August 11, 2016

No title

I'm the black horse 
A shadow 
Do you see me here ? 

In your distance ? 

Am I a lost page 
Am I the erased 

I move on now 

Thursday, July 28, 2016

Half Past 12

It's July it's 1 year since we parted . Love was not real til I walked in that room . I'm a walking dead man , memories piled in pockets and lockets in songs - 

I stay up at night to remember your eyes the way they were so honest with me . 

I'm not a romantic by far , I'm not a emotional person . I stand guarded and reserved . But I had no choice when I saw you , you stole my heart . 

Why are love stories always ending at 1. 

Will I ever talk to him again ? Can I fall in love again ? 

I'm lost . 

I'm waiting . 

Thursday, June 16, 2016

Letter to Him . First Love

The steps are colored each different as they climb there way up the book store in pastel magic , inviting her visitors to sit for just a moment and breathe in the salt in the cool ocean air that slips quietly like a black and white movie through wood shuttered doors . 

I imagine you in that moment . In most moments like these . I think back to my child hood and check the boxes to this pause in time where nothing added up but you did . 

You fit in every corner of who I was . I think was it imagined ? And I race to check the boxes again , to realize even more how perfectly you fit in my shadow 

I didn't know what soul mate meant or love until I saw you , until you loved me 
Mostly the way I loved you too . 

You made me super in an ordinary world 
I think about slow dancing with you in the sunset , and I don't even like slow dancing but I would love to dance with you 

I live now in this dream of you , I can't let go because I feel you feel me too . 

I wait for this letter to be someday returned answered . But as for now I sit and think of you in those moments 

Tuesday, April 26, 2016


Can't imagine so many days have passed . How am I wrong about this ? I'm not . In my heart I know I'm not . But there's nothing I can do , but play with fate . I go with the flow of life . It's been interesting . I have some pretty amazing people in my life . Ones I've met on my path unexpected . 

Everyone lined up - wonderful people . 
All but one lined like velvet under my chest beating quietly . 

Saturday, March 5, 2016

Hard knock life

Well - I was wrong about the email . I wrote if you don't love me don't write back and he did . But he said the last time we talked he figured it best . 

So makes nothing better . Work is up and down its work . I love the Vice President and my area manager there the best . Some people I work with are assholes but that is life . 
I'm single and I'm tired of guys wanting one thing . For all you guys who just want one thing from a girl and don't want to date them it sucks . Like I'm not good enough to date ? But sleep with ? Low blow . 

Kind of start to feel alone . My book is finally almost finished . Thanks to my audience and friends I've been pushing this forward . I've been inspired by my book , and I'm excited . 
I don't even know what to write about I'm so bored , I work way to much it's killing my personality . 

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

The way you should

The right person will read this and show up /

Wednesday, February 3, 2016

Truth about men

The quiet things that know one ever knows - Brand New .

I successfully had a relationship with an alcoholic for the past 4 months . Yes I hear you ( standing ovation ) thank you . Diaries of a mad single woman . You meet a guy , don't get me wrong sweet heart , nice guy .... But oh yeah 9 years sober and broke it 2 months into our relationship and - oh - he is still drinking 2 months later -

I'm not one for co dependency , he wants me too , but I had to close that door and walk away . There's a difference between people fighting to get better or fighting to get another beer - and I can't handle another kid -

So here we are February 2nd still single and white knuckling less mistakes . I've also learned that everything happens for a reason and I regret nothing .

Now for other news my love , my true love I wrote and asked if he ever loved me . He wrote me back and said he figured it best we didn't talk -

Didn't answer the question , so to me that is my answer - but I don't believe him . But right now that doesn't matter - I just wanted to know that the one man I ever loved in my life , loved me back .

I don't want to die not knowing .

So here I am now -yes I have sexy handsome men calling , successful men , but who cares really , and most guys don't believe me when I say that .

But one thing my alcoholic boyfriend taught me was that cuddling and being loving is much better with one than 5 trying to get in your pants .

So here we are this single girl back at square one .

- Amy Everett

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