Friday, October 31, 2014

New Journey

Started my new job . Not at all what I thought it was going to be . I sat in training learning about how to sell furniture , and I felt like a snob coming from Audi . Not that it was a glamour job or that I thought I was better than any one else , I just didn't belong here . I knew it in training . What made it worse is every day I hear about what a snake I am because I sold cars . I didn't sell Hondas I sold Audi 's ... Integrity in selling cars was very important . Not to mention I have strong integrity so hearing this really gets under my skin . 

I met the owner of my new company , first thing he said to me was ," Amy from Audi ? Everyone's talking about you ." 

I been here a week , the owner knows me by name ? 
That's " me " for you . For now this job is better paying . And I'm able to get my goals done here so I will make it work , but in my heart I know I'm meant for more . This is a stepping stone . 

I have a 4 week goal to finish my weight loss or be close . I'm determined to make it . I never heard from " him ". I think about him every day every moment . But I'm moving past it , well some how in the way that all my hope is gone now . It's been so long . It's funny , the moment I saw him I knew we would be together . I had faith in it . But I'm wrong .... I can't believe it , how could I be so wrong . I'll still hold on to it forever probably . 

I'm fine being single , I have goals to get done . No boyfriend in 4 years has been good for me . 

This is where I'm at , by January every goal shall be fo filled . Then I suppose I'll set new ones . 
Tomorrow is a new day , and hope is what I hold on to.

Sunday, October 26, 2014

Today

The dealership was quiet today . I worked with with all my favorites on my last day ( sarcasm ) not sure if this made it easier or harder . Either way I cried on my way home . My GM came in to say good by this morning , I really liked him as a person . Today was busy and it kept my mind at ease . Until it was 5 minutes til closing and tears begin to well up , I told myself not now , not here . 

I sent my farewell email , warned the new girl of the goods and the bads and went on my way .... 

Funny my arms were light , heart heavy , but felt I was forgetting something . I got my goodbyes from everyone , except one 

Now back to him ... I had a feeling a hunch an instinct he was here . But maybe I was wrong . I don't know . I'll never know . But if you read this , know I love you and I hope you are well . 

It's you that gets me through my days and taught me to be stronger . 

Thankyou . 

Monday, October 20, 2014

Over again

It's Monday night ,  I swear I'll do whatever it takes to find my joy again . Whatever it is . I feel invisible in this world when I used to feel invincible . I feel muted where I once felt beautiful . I walk empty . Maybe I'm in a transitioning faze . Maybe it's because I've been in such a shitty job for so long I forgot who I was . Losing people does not help and letting myself be used by others isn't exactly good either . What is the definition of beauty ? The world searches for magazine models , I'm not any type of model , is this why I've been rejected ? My goals are in full force and I'm moving forward , I should be proud of myself . But here I am grey faced and sullen . Where did my joy go ? I let it slip beyond the cracks of shitty humanity , who banters at my expense everyday . Where is my will ? My power ? Where am I ?  I swear I lost myself 3 months ago .

But I now have to fight to find her . To begin a new life again

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Assumptions

The frustration mounts ... As my time comes to an end at my job . Only a few days left ..... My ties to him are gone . The weather is getting cold and nothing is getting easier . I almost emailed him today but I stopped myself . I knew I could not . This was not a game , nor something faint to be reckoned with . It was something real , I couldn't carelessly drop a hello and make it all so meaningless and careless . 

If there was a talk it had to be from him . Not me . I paused , closed the email and scolded myself . I know in 6 days that I will have to quietly in my heart say good bye . 

True love is indeed a curse . And a gift . And until I know different I will write a different story for you all to read ;) 

Friday, October 17, 2014

The Answer

I went on my first date yesterday since I lost him . I made myself go . It's been a few months he hasn't written . I know I need to let him go . In a sense I know I can't . I mean how can I , he was my best friend my one true love . But he isn't coming back . So I tried to go on a real date . With this great guy . You know a Harvard graduate , very good looking seemed nice . I learned I'll never have what I had with my true love , I know that . It's tragic he is gone , but I'm glad I know I can have a nice date again . I just hate letting go ... And letting go is the answer , when he's not coming home .

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Next step

So I decided to quit my job and work else where . The job is horrible any way . I get harassed every day by the most evil people I have ever met in my life it's unreal . It will also help me move on from my love , it's been two months have not heard from him , I'm pretty sure I won't . This in its self kills me . It's time to pack up and leave Audi . 
I found a better job , never find a better him . But hopefully next year be a better year .