Sunday, December 21, 2014

2014 - 14

Hello my few readers who read my dribble here on my secret blog . Christmas is in a few days and the year is almost over . This year in whole has been the best and worst year of my life . 

So is it a wash ? ( I laugh to myself ) 
Big plans for 2015 I can only hope it's better than every other year . 

If I look back on what I learned : 
1. Love your enemies with out expecting anything in return . This was huge this year . 

2. Going out side of my box I learned the only thing holding me back is me . Face your fears . 

3. Learned a lot about true friendship by having great friends . 
4. Never settle - jobs , friends , people .

5. Don't waste a moment with anyone who doesn't value me . 

Next year is about finishing my goals and praying God gets me there . God is good 

This year has been emotional and a fun journey . What is going to happen next ?

- Amy 

Friday, December 19, 2014

Winter

It's Friday night and winter has set in here in California .... I'm home and I'm watching The Lucky One . After talking to my new guy for 3 weeks he disappeared for reasons I don't know why . I was pretty excited to meet him , maybe he thought I was dependent , but everyone here knows that's not true . 
Who just disappears any way ? I've never in my life been treated this way . My first real attempt since , ( hes ) been gone on dating . I really thought I found a great guy . I'm left so confused . I been pretty upset the past few days , but I'll be fine .Not worth my time obviously . I'm just disappointed . I'm never meeting any one again . This was already hard for me . I open myself up this happens ??? 
I pray for a better day tomorrow 

Sunday, December 14, 2014

Somewhere

All my tears been used up ...

On another love . 

Sunday, December 7, 2014

New Day

So ... I met a " seemingly nice guy " . First date is Wednesday . I gotta tell you I'm very afraid to like this guy . He seems great but he might be a liar , he might not like me ..... So many things to be afraid of . I'm so picky ... So guarded . Can I do this ?

I guess we will see ...
I really like him ...

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Facebook

I hate Facebook . It's a corrosion of family pictures and things , that others try to measure up to . Is it even real ? 
I find myself looking at family pictures thinking can I be a wife ? One as pretty as the ones on Facebook ? Can I attain any of the white picket one liners ? 

As a single mom at 36 it's rough . I think every one should turn off their facebooks .... And live in the real world 

Sunday, November 16, 2014

Just Because

I'm not writing about it anymore . This is the last post any where , that I will write about him . I fought a battle and lost . This is it .... 

The End 

Thursday, November 6, 2014

New

The new job is not to great either . But it's close to home . I sell nice furniture , I know I don't belong here . I just don't , but for now there is no choice . 

I spend my time working a lot , due to work training I haven't been in the gym in almost 3 weeks , that alone is killing me . Next week I'll be back on track . At least with my new job I'll have more time in gym and with kids and more money so it's better for now . 

Still trying to keep myself busy to not think about him . It works sometimes and then not at all . Is it getting easier ? No. 

Keep my focus on my goals . This is what's most important now . 

Friday, October 31, 2014

New Journey

Started my new job . Not at all what I thought it was going to be . I sat in training learning about how to sell furniture , and I felt like a snob coming from Audi . Not that it was a glamour job or that I thought I was better than any one else , I just didn't belong here . I knew it in training . What made it worse is every day I hear about what a snake I am because I sold cars . I didn't sell Hondas I sold Audi 's ... Integrity in selling cars was very important . Not to mention I have strong integrity so hearing this really gets under my skin . 

I met the owner of my new company , first thing he said to me was ," Amy from Audi ? Everyone's talking about you ." 

I been here a week , the owner knows me by name ? 
That's " me " for you . For now this job is better paying . And I'm able to get my goals done here so I will make it work , but in my heart I know I'm meant for more . This is a stepping stone . 

I have a 4 week goal to finish my weight loss or be close . I'm determined to make it . I never heard from " him ". I think about him every day every moment . But I'm moving past it , well some how in the way that all my hope is gone now . It's been so long . It's funny , the moment I saw him I knew we would be together . I had faith in it . But I'm wrong .... I can't believe it , how could I be so wrong . I'll still hold on to it forever probably . 

I'm fine being single , I have goals to get done . No boyfriend in 4 years has been good for me . 

This is where I'm at , by January every goal shall be fo filled . Then I suppose I'll set new ones . 
Tomorrow is a new day , and hope is what I hold on to.

Sunday, October 26, 2014

Today

The dealership was quiet today . I worked with with all my favorites on my last day ( sarcasm ) not sure if this made it easier or harder . Either way I cried on my way home . My GM came in to say good by this morning , I really liked him as a person . Today was busy and it kept my mind at ease . Until it was 5 minutes til closing and tears begin to well up , I told myself not now , not here . 

I sent my farewell email , warned the new girl of the goods and the bads and went on my way .... 

Funny my arms were light , heart heavy , but felt I was forgetting something . I got my goodbyes from everyone , except one 

Now back to him ... I had a feeling a hunch an instinct he was here . But maybe I was wrong . I don't know . I'll never know . But if you read this , know I love you and I hope you are well . 

It's you that gets me through my days and taught me to be stronger . 

Thankyou . 

Monday, October 20, 2014

Over again

It's Monday night ,  I swear I'll do whatever it takes to find my joy again . Whatever it is . I feel invisible in this world when I used to feel invincible . I feel muted where I once felt beautiful . I walk empty . Maybe I'm in a transitioning faze . Maybe it's because I've been in such a shitty job for so long I forgot who I was . Losing people does not help and letting myself be used by others isn't exactly good either . What is the definition of beauty ? The world searches for magazine models , I'm not any type of model , is this why I've been rejected ? My goals are in full force and I'm moving forward , I should be proud of myself . But here I am grey faced and sullen . Where did my joy go ? I let it slip beyond the cracks of shitty humanity , who banters at my expense everyday . Where is my will ? My power ? Where am I ?  I swear I lost myself 3 months ago .

But I now have to fight to find her . To begin a new life again

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Assumptions

The frustration mounts ... As my time comes to an end at my job . Only a few days left ..... My ties to him are gone . The weather is getting cold and nothing is getting easier . I almost emailed him today but I stopped myself . I knew I could not . This was not a game , nor something faint to be reckoned with . It was something real , I couldn't carelessly drop a hello and make it all so meaningless and careless . 

If there was a talk it had to be from him . Not me . I paused , closed the email and scolded myself . I know in 6 days that I will have to quietly in my heart say good bye . 

True love is indeed a curse . And a gift . And until I know different I will write a different story for you all to read ;) 

Friday, October 17, 2014

The Answer

I went on my first date yesterday since I lost him . I made myself go . It's been a few months he hasn't written . I know I need to let him go . In a sense I know I can't . I mean how can I , he was my best friend my one true love . But he isn't coming back . So I tried to go on a real date . With this great guy . You know a Harvard graduate , very good looking seemed nice . I learned I'll never have what I had with my true love , I know that . It's tragic he is gone , but I'm glad I know I can have a nice date again . I just hate letting go ... And letting go is the answer , when he's not coming home .

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Next step

So I decided to quit my job and work else where . The job is horrible any way . I get harassed every day by the most evil people I have ever met in my life it's unreal . It will also help me move on from my love , it's been two months have not heard from him , I'm pretty sure I won't . This in its self kills me . It's time to pack up and leave Audi . 
I found a better job , never find a better him . But hopefully next year be a better year . 

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Sleepless

This lost blog once had hundreds of readers now lies here destitute , a dear diary have you will for my series of unfortunate events with him . " The One."

I don't sleep , I try to move on , I find myself searching for him in crowds , in everything . 

I'm not even the romantic type who even believes in love you see . I give no one even the chance , and then I met him and just like that , yes , it was just like that , one look ... I was invited into his soul and he was invited into mine with out my own permission ! It just happened  

And I can't even be with him . Is that even fate ? Is it destinys cruel joke ? 

It's been two months since I've seen him and I can't erase him . I think writing will make it feel better ? Does he miss me ? 

He was my best friend . My Gerry from ps I love you . Can true love be found twice ? Can faith bring it back ? 

I have very good looking guys asking me out but there not him . Can I find him again ? I'm sure I won't . 

I guess the answer is , I was blessed to have him at all . 

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Lost

Where do you go when your in a prison

Saturday, September 20, 2014

Cancer

It's been almost 2 months since I last saw him . He has not contact me . It's just as hard today as was the day I left him . I will not contact him though he left me , it was his decision . My only tie to him is my job , I'm quitting next week . I know for sure I will never ever see him again . I know if he wanted to he would contact me . I never thought I would be that girl who has guys chasing her but only loves the one who isn't . The girl who keeps watching out the window for her hero to come but knows he won't . I go on dates but can't hear the conversation because I think of him it ends in a hug .

Will it get better ? I don't know ? My faith is broken

Friday, September 12, 2014

Riddles

When I miss you do you feel it ? When I speak to you do you hear me ? 


Monday, September 8, 2014

Questions

What to do with a broken heart

Friday, August 29, 2014

30

It's Friday night , I'm home sick . Left movies with friends not feeling well . Last few days have been rough , missing him .  It's funny , somedays I have great days because I imagine him still here . It brings joy back , you know the kind when you know your best friend is there waiting for you . Then I have those days where I realize he is gone forever . I cry my eyes out alone in my bed . Not one tear can bring him back . I think I write this blog now , because this is what true love feels like . It's been a month since we parted for good .

He was so handsome , big blue eyes , muscular build , brownish blonde hair . He looked like a dream, and he looked right into my soul . I try to date , I do , but no one is him . I can't do it , not yet .

He's my shadow that keeps me going when I no longer can run the race . I am lucky to have known him , even though he couldn't stay . It's alright to be broken for him , I've never been broken before .

He is my hero . I will love him for rest of my life .

Love song

I'll never get used to losing you .

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Nobody

I can write on this blog because it's sort of become a sanctuary . A graveyard of a diary. No one really knows exist . Except for you the one or two readers who may stumble upon this very old blog as I sit in bed writing . So tell me audience . In an honest effort , what is a girl to do ? Have you ever lost a one true love ?  I'm trying to sweep it under the rug , I'm not a sap I'm not . I'm not a relational girl either . I'm fine you know . But then there's my heart , under the weight of the day , that's not fine . But I have no control of the lost , so I have to move on , so what to do ? I'll write on my secret blog to a secret audience who can't help me ? Sure you think to yourself ( she will be fine ) . Maybe I will . Maybe I won't . I don't know . What I do know is I haven't a choice in the matter . So I'll focus on excersising , working , God and my kids .

And filling my days with adventure and maybe I'll write about that !

Cheers to love & war ....

And all that bull shit for now :(

Friday, August 1, 2014

Lose Ends

She risked it all everything for in the end to be alone . An unfortunate event . The ultimate risk for her . Because love is a risk , she does not take . But in the end. , he knows deep inside someone would risk everything for him . Does he have that right now. ? I'm not so sure he does ? Either way . Does love conquer all ? Guess not . But at last one time in my life I was brave enough to try . No one can say I wasn't ! Right .

Monday, July 21, 2014

Maybe

So I'm gonna write here , I'm gonna meet tomorrow with great uncertainty . You know taking a risk for someone when there not exactly making you feel great about taking it . I'm starting to second guess it , when before I never did . So what do I do ? Do I stay home ? Do I go and live with a huge hole of regret forever. ? My expectations ? Are to feel every ounce of everything I felt the first time I met you . Just like I did the day you left me and every day since . My expectations are my hope you feel the same . What happens after that ? I hAve no expectations because that is out of my control . It's in yours . You can't disappoint me or upset me unless you lie or hurt me on purpose .

This is just me out on the line . I've never been on the line before ever . People say I'm stupid and gullable if that's so that's fine . You learn from that too . I'm sure he will never read this . This is just my heart and something that is just never shared. .

So tomorrow I'll know the truth about his heart . And that's the only expectation I have . So good luck to me

Sunday, June 29, 2014

New

I have not written on here in 7 years ... So if you read this , that's a good sign to stop reading and come back . I'm waiting . 6-28-2014