Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Truce

Is there truth in the eyes of a man?
I taste the stale air
As I have this conversation with God

I find romantic gestures

I place my bets
I’m finding me along side of some one I used to be

The darkness lifts her head
I shift a bit
I take her coat
she clears her throat

The aces wear thin
Poker was my favorite game
I was so good

I had all these promises

No one held my fate.

Black eyes
Seductive trace of tears and lace.

I turned my back to no one!
I held all the knives
All along
holding steal metal
In the core
of my own chambered heart
Something I did well enough on my own

Fine tune
Tattoo
Midnight breath

I left her behind
I cheated her death

Life Lessons # 1 Billion and 2

It's 9:40 a.m. Saturday morning I am listening to The Brand New . My New favorite band of the month. I came to some conclusion today , that maybe some part of me has come into adulthood... Without knowing it. I thought maybe as a single parent I was one since I was 19. But you learn the whole way and we never stop learning. This morning at 3 am I woke up from a bad dream and it hit me. All at once. You see last year I ended a very abusive relationship with someone. I mean very abusive. This man just tore my soul out. And for me I thought I was so strong. I was being so strong for his two kids and I wasn't it was not my job. I left that relationship with no self esteem, and angry. More at myself than him. I was with him right after a messy divorce. So you could imagine the dark place I was in. And any one from my writing sites will tell you , my writing was dark. I was angry and I became angry with God. How could he let all of this happen to me? I walled my self up so tight no one could ever hurt me again. No one could reach me again , not even God. I didnt even realize I was doing this at the time but I fed on it. Like some sort of power. And I held on to it. I didnt care who I hurt, Who I used, Who I destroyed. This was all coming from this girl who once gave it all , who had this open heart. Now destroyed. I surrounded myself with friends who would support my new feelings. My guy friends you know they are players, numb and party. I wanted to be that person. To be numb and not care. Who cares who I date. Who cares about anything. I started going to bars, be up all night .. Fun , fun, looking for acceptance from this new world . ???? You know what ... ?? Months go by ... I lost 40 pounds... Got new clothes.. Had the hottest guys, drove around in the hottest cars.. And guess what . I was miserable still. This was last summer. ok....
Fast forward a year later...... My friend Darcey says.... "Give up on romance . you need to be happy first!" My other great friend SMG says "find someone with your intellegence and your spirituallity." ok what does being happy even mean..??????????????????????????????
And I began to draw back to my point to this morning. God began to owrk on my heart. I began not hanging out with those friends. And only the ones who knew how to encourage me to stay true to myself. I was trying on every one elses hat , running away from myself and God. Because I was angry and hurting. And I was in all the places I didnt belong. Hurting everyone around me including myself. I dont need anyone or anything to make me happy. Only God can fill those places. Then SMG was right. The right guy will have the same frame of mind I have. If he dosent then he just dosent. But when your happy with your self. You will be ok. Thats why what Darcey says is so important. Be true to oyur self. No what you need and want. So others cant persued you, You have to be strong and happy . And sure. Have your feet on the ground.
I remember sitting at those bars I was miserable. I remember putting smiles on for the crowd. But I knew inside I didnt belong there. I see one of my good friends going through the same thing. Just got out of a 5 year relationship. I love him to death. His friends bring him in all these same directions. I see him miserable. I wish I could show him. But its everyones journey. My advice is, Follow your heart. Pain last a season. Dont make people pay for other poeples sins including your self. Dont be self destructive. There is a God who saves and cares. And do not surround your self with people who do not have your best interets at heart. If there on a train wreck you dont need that ride. Happiness is there for you.I promise. I mean I have a broken car, Not the best job, I have alot of crap still, but at least I know what Im looking for, I have peace and a God who loves me. What more can I ask for. I hope this helps.

Heaven

I move into character
can you see her
Behind the hat and mirror

The shower fogs her eyes
red nightmares seep down an empty drain
rest her head she says
As the music plays

Maybe the piano knew her well
As she sang her very last song

This book was her funeral
The answers were in every word

Look for her she said
Come find me
As she hid behind each black letter
She is taken away by wooden coffins

Her grave is seduced by rain
and no one is listening!

Umbrellas chase the morning sun
The piano keys stained with her soul
I hear them playing in the cold

Did they see the lines
The ones she never wrote!

Were getting closer….
The symphony plays harder
They pretend they never knew
Her heart is broken in two

Escaping her Death…. Alive.


What I was listening to-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7REAmoo0Ztk