It's 9:40 a.m. Saturday morning I am listening to The Brand New . My New favorite band of the month. I came to some conclusion today , that maybe some part of me has come into adulthood... Without knowing it. I thought maybe as a single parent I was one since I was 19. But you learn the whole way and we never stop learning. This morning at 3 am I woke up from a bad dream and it hit me. All at once. You see last year I ended a very abusive relationship with someone. I mean very abusive. This man just tore my soul out. And for me I thought I was so strong. I was being so strong for his two kids and I wasn't it was not my job. I left that relationship with no self esteem, and angry. More at myself than him. I was with him right after a messy divorce. So you could imagine the dark place I was in. And any one from my writing sites will tell you , my writing was dark. I was angry and I became angry with God. How could he let all of this happen to me? I walled my self up so tight no one could ever hurt me again. No one could reach me again , not even God. I didnt even realize I was doing this at the time but I fed on it. Like some sort of power. And I held on to it. I didnt care who I hurt, Who I used, Who I destroyed. This was all coming from this girl who once gave it all , who had this open heart. Now destroyed. I surrounded myself with friends who would support my new feelings. My guy friends you know they are players, numb and party. I wanted to be that person. To be numb and not care. Who cares who I date. Who cares about anything. I started going to bars, be up all night .. Fun , fun, looking for acceptance from this new world . ???? You know what ... ?? Months go by ... I lost 40 pounds... Got new clothes.. Had the hottest guys, drove around in the hottest cars.. And guess what . I was miserable still. This was last summer. ok....
Fast forward a year later...... My friend Darcey says.... "Give up on romance . you need to be happy first!" My other great friend SMG says "find someone with your intellegence and your spirituallity." ok what does being happy even mean..??????????????????????????????
And I began to draw back to my point to this morning. God began to owrk on my heart. I began not hanging out with those friends. And only the ones who knew how to encourage me to stay true to myself. I was trying on every one elses hat , running away from myself and God. Because I was angry and hurting. And I was in all the places I didnt belong. Hurting everyone around me including myself. I dont need anyone or anything to make me happy. Only God can fill those places. Then SMG was right. The right guy will have the same frame of mind I have. If he dosent then he just dosent. But when your happy with your self. You will be ok. Thats why what Darcey says is so important. Be true to oyur self. No what you need and want. So others cant persued you, You have to be strong and happy . And sure. Have your feet on the ground.
I remember sitting at those bars I was miserable. I remember putting smiles on for the crowd. But I knew inside I didnt belong there. I see one of my good friends going through the same thing. Just got out of a 5 year relationship. I love him to death. His friends bring him in all these same directions. I see him miserable. I wish I could show him. But its everyones journey. My advice is, Follow your heart. Pain last a season. Dont make people pay for other poeples sins including your self. Dont be self destructive. There is a God who saves and cares. And do not surround your self with people who do not have your best interets at heart. If there on a train wreck you dont need that ride. Happiness is there for you.I promise. I mean I have a broken car, Not the best job, I have alot of crap still, but at least I know what Im looking for, I have peace and a God who loves me. What more can I ask for. I hope this helps.