Thursday, June 21, 2018

Heart

This dear diary blog , no one reads I put in use once in a while it’s Thursday 10 pm and I’m getting ready to go to the hospital . It’s not a seizure night it’s worse . Today my heart at work went to 160 . And would not go down . Worst part is I was resting and just waiting for a customer . I got my heart medicine my mom instructed me to go to the hospital right away . 160 is so high at 180 I’m dead . I didn’t want to go to the hospital , I waited . It went down . But tonight it went back to 150. After taking my hard core medicine . I’m so tired from the medicine . I cant understand why except stress of losing him or the cold weird letter I got . I was good yesterday I decided to give it to god and believe in the best . But maybe my body is stressed .  Man I need a vacation . Can you die of a broken heart ? God is in control this all I know .

Tuesday, June 19, 2018

The death of me

So it’s June 18 I think . I got a good bye letter today with no reason just a goodbye . After everything I been through and everything all the love he swore he had for me he swore it as I tattooed his name on me he left me on a price of paper like I never mattered like it never happened . 

I’m so sick inside like my soul is shaking 
How does anyone do this to someone is so far beyond measure . I have no words for it 

Friday, June 15, 2018

To you


You may never read this on my dark poet blog . I’m on lunch and your out of rehab in 10 days . It hasn’t gotten one bit easier . It’s so hard I signed up for a second counselor . 

I ask myself why it’s so damn hard , as I sit here on my lunch I can tell you . 

I think my love runs deep for you because we fought a war together . It was not a normal relationship not one that  was black and white . I fought for us for a year and when I gave up you did the fighting , I question your love every day the friending girls seeking attention from other girls not me , lying to me . I should’ve gave up long ago . You even told me I wasn’t pretty 

But then there was the you who begged me to build a sober life together and apologized and said you loved me . 

I wanted to believe you so bad after all I been through . After all I gave you , and in the end you let me go like I meant nothing . 


I’m so angry how do you do this to someone you love ? How do you fight to be with someone forever and then let them go like they meant nothing ? 


I’m here still loving you . Loving you the same . You got me here to this point to love you and not leave and you left ? 


I have nightmares every night . I don’t know if you were evil and never loved me or what . Every one tells me I’m beautiful and I’m great but I just wanted you to think I was beautiful you were the only heart I wanted . 

I did everything for you . Loved you in every way . To be left here alone ? Abandoned ? I wish I had answers . It haunts me all the days since you been gone . 

I pray ten times a day for this pain to stop but it won’t . I just pretend I’m ok every day . 

I’m not ok . I’m so not ok . I can’t even not cry every day . I’m doing good at work , I’ve lost a ton of weight . But I don’t have you . The missing puzzle piece . You won’t find someone better I loved you enough to get you this far we did it together . 

Even if I never talk to you again , no one will love you as much as I did . 

Sunday, June 10, 2018

The Lighter Side

There have been so many dark days the past few months . Crying in my car days of being lost and confused . I hate the feeling of brokenness and sadness . It’s something you really can’t fix you have to just go through it 

It’s like a bomb went off and destroyed everything . You have to take that loss 


Some days are brighter than others . I find my strength and confidence that had been lost . It wavers like a see saw back and forth . I’m working on making my foundation strong and staying positive . There is no quitting now I’ve come so far . Way to far to ever turn back or give up . 

This is my journey . I’m in a good job right now . I have good friends right now and my health is getting better right now . It’s almost the worst and the best year I’ve ever had , my faith is strong right now . 


I have to just push through the sadness and disappointment . I signed up for counseling hopefully this helps 

This is new too . It’s June . Let’s see where we’re at 6 months from now 

Thursday, June 7, 2018

Reconstructed

It was like December you know my favorite part of the year . That was your smile always drawing me in . Like terror and dreams mixed like a drink that left you feeling good and gave you a headache in the morning . Even if I took the bad times it’s not why I’m torn apart now . Not because of the lies or disappointment , I guess you might think that’s why a normal person would be broken hearted so let me tell you about this love story .  Since I was young love meant leaving everyone I knew left me this was my life . I was an orphan to love and then there was you .

It wasn’t a regular kind of love . If we fought you ran to my door step to say sorry . If I couldn’t take it anymore you found away to make it better . When all was lost you never gave up even when everything was broken . When no one in my life showed up you did .

It was the nights you fell asleep sleeping on me . It was the nights you begged me not to leave . Maybe you had problems maybe you were broken , maybe you let me down but it’s not why I’m crying , wishing you would run back to my arms and say your sorry once again . It’s because our love was right . You showed up . We showed up for each other .

I don’t know where you are now or how your feeling . I’m wishing you were at my door step crying because we could be together again .

I wish you knew what you have done . It’s not about the destruction of my life it was the way you constructed my heart . I’m fucking absent with out you . No one gets it . I don’t care .

Maybe it’s in God’s hands now . But you needed to know why I was crying but I know inside you know . No matter how far you go . Your love saved me .

Saturday, May 26, 2018

Real worlds

As the days grow in silence and confusion my hatred begins to consume me I tried to forgive and apart of me did , but now I feel betrayed . You asked me to wait for you after you put me through hell and I did , you asked me to have faith in us . And in an instance you threw it away with out a care . I did eveything for you even got you where you are now . Sweat blood for you . And for what ? For you to forget me like yesterday’s news ? I’m not entirely sure what I did to deserve the treatment you gave me the evil you bestowed upon me . You said you loved me and lied through your teeth . I’m left to cry every fucking day and night . It haunts me . And you get to run away all I did was love you like I was the enemy . God says to forgive but God I’m so angry . How could my best friend become my enemy ? I’m so full of pain God . It’s like he shot me in the head point blank and laughed at me . If I could I would take back the day I met you . To love someone this much and have them spit on your face is not a love worth knowing . Every day I miss you and I pretend maybe you miss me too

You didn’t think I was pretty ? Maybe I didn’t have enough money ? Whatever it was you must have used me to drive you when you were drinking or to love you when you were lonely and when you promised I was the one , you said that to not lose your security ?!

If you loved me I wouldn’t be so angry I wouldn’t be left to wonder and you wouldn’t want to lose me . Maybe no one will ever love me but I loved you because of the way you loved me and I believed what you told me . So here I am trying to wrap my head around the destruction you left my life in my heart in . And the fact to you I meant nothing .

Saturday, May 19, 2018

Addict letter to my love

This is on my dear diary blog . You’ll never find this I’m sure maybe you’ll never read anything I write . I’m not even sure if you love me . You don’t write or don’t call . I don’t know what world you got lost in I just know that I can’t  exist with out you and I’m a mess . How do I deal with the pain you left me in . You begged me to believe you and to stay and in the end you walked away from me the pain hurts so bad it feels like you murder me in cold blood . I was faithful and loyal to you . I loved you . Fuck drugs and alcohol that stole you from me . Stole my love my best friend . I can’t I can’t get you back
I walk around with a fake smile . Pretending I’m ok . I’m falling apart I beg god to help me . Beg him for mercy . It’s like every second being dragged across razor blades . And nothing can make it better .

I don’t know where you are or if you’ll find me again or if you even care but this is my love letter to you it’s so fucking real . And you told me to just go away .

Fuck addiction it’s steals souls . Ripping you from my loving arms like a thief in the night when I was not awake . You were gone . I won’t let you go I’m fighting inside my arms are out to you

It’s no fairy tale it’s a fucking nightmare . I’m screaming your not here in this empty room
Just take my heart where ever you go - it serves you with your name on it

Hold it in your pocket never forget who brought you here who loved you
Never forget . As I wait for you