Friday, July 13, 2018

God’s plan

It’s 10:12 pm . Some nights not most I know I could go to a very dark and hateful place . I know it’s justified and I have great cause . I want to go to the depths of my very soul where my love for you is so deep and stir it up  and bring all the hatred of you leaving me in the cold like a coward out in the open like an angry wolf . You told me every moment for a year that you would never leave me you loved me so much . I went through the very depths of the pits of hell and stood by you for you to leave with no explanation not even a call like I was trash . After eveything I did afte all the love I gave . I think what person this person who could commit such evil or be so inhuman to the girl he swore and professed his dying love is beyond all rage in me . But ..... God told me to forgive . Honestly it’s easier to be angry . But I have to follow what god says . As soon as I forgave I was heartbroken . Imagine hate turning to love ? Only the love of God could do that . I’m so confused every day what happened . It’s like being blind sided by a blizzard when your in Hawaii and being left for dead . 

All I can do is trust the Lord . I’m deeply hurt . Deep I can’t even ever write the words . I ask god why do I have to forgive ! Hating hurts less . But I must obey my God . God has plans I must follow his path . My road has been so hard . God is my anchor in this storm . Keeping me alive honestly . So I’m going one step at a time . One step is where I’m at . My pneumonia is getting better back to the gym tomorrow to see if I’m ok . I doubled my seizure medicine that’s helped my seizures . I have an over night EEG next week . I’m going to try to sleep now . I guess lesson is trust in god . Let him rule your heart . 


Tuesday, July 3, 2018


It’s weird right being separated from your true love . It doesn’t feel right I feel out of place with out you nothing is right or normal .

Monday, July 2, 2018


Cheers to the roughest year I’ve had in decades . Facing it head on like standing on a train track getting hit by a train and then living . It’s so fucked . Today is my day off I’m so tired today but I went to the gym . Now I lay in bed crying . I just can’t . Losing him is mourning every day . It’s painful . I watched part of episode 3 season 3 of animal kingdom and I have no interest . I lay here dreaming that we were in lake arrowhead today and things are fine . But today I lay here in some fucked reality. I tend to ignore at work or at the gym or wherever I can keep busy . I’m ok when I pray I’m ok I know God is working . But still I’m in this deep dark pain .

Tomorrow I get to go to knotts berry farm for Malia’s birthday . That should be fun
I need a fun day . I just have to keep going it’s like a force to keep going even when I can’t .
Today I’m home alone . My mind my heart my body needs rest .

I’ll lay here a while and dream .

Thursday, June 21, 2018


This dear diary blog , no one reads I put in use once in a while it’s Thursday 10 pm and I’m getting ready to go to the hospital . It’s not a seizure night it’s worse . Today my heart at work went to 160 . And would not go down . Worst part is I was resting and just waiting for a customer . I got my heart medicine my mom instructed me to go to the hospital right away . 160 is so high at 180 I’m dead . I didn’t want to go to the hospital , I waited . It went down . But tonight it went back to 150. After taking my hard core medicine . I’m so tired from the medicine . I cant understand why except stress of losing him or the cold weird letter I got . I was good yesterday I decided to give it to god and believe in the best . But maybe my body is stressed .  Man I need a vacation . Can you die of a broken heart ? God is in control this all I know .

Tuesday, June 19, 2018

The death of me

So it’s June 18 I think . I got a good bye letter today with no reason just a goodbye . After everything I been through and everything all the love he swore he had for me he swore it as I tattooed his name on me he left me on a price of paper like I never mattered like it never happened . 

I’m so sick inside like my soul is shaking 
How does anyone do this to someone is so far beyond measure . I have no words for it 

Friday, June 15, 2018

To you

You may never read this on my dark poet blog . I’m on lunch and your out of rehab in 10 days . It hasn’t gotten one bit easier . It’s so hard I signed up for a second counselor . 

I ask myself why it’s so damn hard , as I sit here on my lunch I can tell you . 

I think my love runs deep for you because we fought a war together . It was not a normal relationship not one that  was black and white . I fought for us for a year and when I gave up you did the fighting , I question your love every day the friending girls seeking attention from other girls not me , lying to me . I should’ve gave up long ago . You even told me I wasn’t pretty 

But then there was the you who begged me to build a sober life together and apologized and said you loved me . 

I wanted to believe you so bad after all I been through . After all I gave you , and in the end you let me go like I meant nothing . 

I’m so angry how do you do this to someone you love ? How do you fight to be with someone forever and then let them go like they meant nothing ? 

I’m here still loving you . Loving you the same . You got me here to this point to love you and not leave and you left ? 

I have nightmares every night . I don’t know if you were evil and never loved me or what . Every one tells me I’m beautiful and I’m great but I just wanted you to think I was beautiful you were the only heart I wanted . 

I did everything for you . Loved you in every way . To be left here alone ? Abandoned ? I wish I had answers . It haunts me all the days since you been gone . 

I pray ten times a day for this pain to stop but it won’t . I just pretend I’m ok every day . 

I’m not ok . I’m so not ok . I can’t even not cry every day . I’m doing good at work , I’ve lost a ton of weight . But I don’t have you . The missing puzzle piece . You won’t find someone better I loved you enough to get you this far we did it together . 

Even if I never talk to you again , no one will love you as much as I did . 

Sunday, June 10, 2018

The Lighter Side

There have been so many dark days the past few months . Crying in my car days of being lost and confused . I hate the feeling of brokenness and sadness . It’s something you really can’t fix you have to just go through it 

It’s like a bomb went off and destroyed everything . You have to take that loss 

Some days are brighter than others . I find my strength and confidence that had been lost . It wavers like a see saw back and forth . I’m working on making my foundation strong and staying positive . There is no quitting now I’ve come so far . Way to far to ever turn back or give up . 

This is my journey . I’m in a good job right now . I have good friends right now and my health is getting better right now . It’s almost the worst and the best year I’ve ever had , my faith is strong right now . 

I have to just push through the sadness and disappointment . I signed up for counseling hopefully this helps 

This is new too . It’s June . Let’s see where we’re at 6 months from now