Monday, July 10, 2017

Last Dance

I'm not sure he really knows I exist either . He ask why I think he dosent love me , but he isn't there for me when I need him . I don't think he thinks I'm pretty or wants me because he never says so , he won't check this because my writing isn't something that's important to him . He won't share his past when we're together he barely talks , I wonder why he is with me . He says he loves me but what to him is love ? He has all the right words to make me stay , but no actions except at night when we cuddle that's the only time he is really nice . Most of the time I'm sad not happy . What am I holding on to any way ? He dosent understand what's wrong ? I feel like I'm alone . He lives with his ex girlfriend , this I hate every day , if I moved in with an ex he would freak out and go away . I don't get what I need I know this , I don't know what to do . I love him but I'm not happy most of the time but being with out him would be sad to

Friday, June 30, 2017

Look The Other Way

It's my fault . I proceed when there are caution signs . I always hope for the best but I just should listen to what my gut tells me . But when my gut tells me this is it , that didn't work out either . Why can't anyone give same love I give ? If I'm wrong I fix it ! Isn't that what best friends and lovers do ?
Why do people just give up on life . My good friend told me once men are immature and selfish . He himself a man I appreciated the honesty . I appreciate honesty and a hard life that comes by trying to do the right thing and not giving up on yourself or the ones you love . I don't respect a coward . Some people have pain so big they push it away , and in turn they push everything away until there so numb they just don't really feel anymore . I did that before . It took years to feel again I don't ever want to go back to that cold place . Where god can't even reach you .

Be brave ! Admit when your wrong and fight for yourself . I think I just want to be single forever no more men , to lie to me or walk on me . At least no tears being alone right . What happened to people cherishing each other ? Putting each other ahead of them selves ?

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

The Big Question.

It's Tuesday around 4:30 p.m. I have no job and I'm in need of a miracle a big one . I'm here to write about love . What is it ? It's something you give ahead of yourself . The problem is if you hate yourself , you can't give love . It's not in you to give . Your full of insecurities you need to hide . Love requires your whole heart . You have to be in a place to give it to give or even receive love in the right manner .

I can't seem to find this love . People say they love me but they are so selfish or messed up they can't give love back . How do I find the right love ? Will anyone ever truly love me before I die ?

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

When everything is a lie

It's been a while so let's catch up . Let me tell you about the horrible emotional roller coaster I went through a month or so ago . My last 4 month relationship didn't work out , big surprise I kind of knew it from the beginning as you could tell from my last post . The day we broke up texting and fighting back and forth in a furry , I wished in my head my true love would just come back and save me . I swear this is a true story . As we text back and forth I received an email from my love that I been waiting for , for over a year . I was so confused I didn't know how to feel . He was back . But had no reason ? This put my heart in a weird place . I went through so much when he was gone . Why was he here ? After talking back and forth a few weeks I asked him . He said it was because he could always just talk to me . As a friend . Hmmm ... I decided then and there to never talk to him again . Left me in a mess of confusion . But for the first time I was free . What an emotional ride right ?

Strange part is right when this ended I met someone knew . I was afraid to be with anyone . How can love be a lie ? My new guy does whatever it takes to make sure I feel loved by him no matter what .

I feel for the first time maybe this is how love is supposed to be . Are there issues ? Yes . Is he the one
I don't know yet . But here I am for the second time loving someone . Here's to a new chapter .

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

Dying

I thought for sure you would come home . So much time has passed and your not here . I met someone new , I'll give it a chance , he never reads my writing and that's my heart so I don't know , how can you be my best friend if you don't read what's the best part of me ? The jury is still out on this one . A year has passed quickly . My heart seems to be getting worse my biggest fear is dying and I'm alone . I'm alone right now . The music plays . I'm tired of hearing how pretty I am how am I single but yet here I am alone . People who acted like they cared aren't here , no one is .

Thursday, December 22, 2016

When You Come To The Surface

it's only a few days until Christmas . Things aren't so good and usually things are pretty great . I'm living on faith . Your the only one who loved me for me . Never touched me on the outside but my insides are full of your finger prints . I have no way to wash them away . No one tries to reach in the middle , your far away in a castle now and I just want to reach you . I'm screaming silently do you hear me still ? I can't escape my own soul , that's your own

Sunday, December 4, 2016

The News

Depeche Mode this week has become some sort of an obsession as well as the quote, "Don't beg anyone to love you." This is true . Why should I ?  Even if he is my one true love, I need to be his. I need to focus on finding a new job. I am here upset I feel betrayed by some of my good friends , maybe his hands were tied but he should have fired that asshole who threatened me at work. He was a piece of shit a real crazy asshole. I am turning in the cover to my new book I need to focus on getting this done and published. Things were going so well and then bamb ! The breaks go out in my car, and I was sick in the hospital and here I am at square one. Its ok Ill bounce back. I need a new car and apparently some new friends.

I have a few great ones thats pretty great too. Fuck you if you have been aweful. My love of my life I think I secretly gave til this December to come back , but there has been nothing.. How has fate lied to me. I feel him every day. I been alone every day and I am beginning to feel alone.  I deserve to be swept off my feet the only thing guys want is sex. Can I get dinner please?