Wednesday, June 7, 2017

When everything is a lie

It's been a while so let's catch up . Let me tell you about the horrible emotional roller coaster I went through a month or so ago . My last 4 month relationship didn't work out , big surprise I kind of knew it from the beginning as you could tell from my last post . The day we broke up texting and fighting back and forth in a furry , I wished in my head my true love would just come back and save me . I swear this is a true story . As we text back and forth I received an email from my love that I been waiting for , for over a year . I was so confused I didn't know how to feel . He was back . But had no reason ? This put my heart in a weird place . I went through so much when he was gone . Why was he here ? After talking back and forth a few weeks I asked him . He said it was because he could always just talk to me . As a friend . Hmmm ... I decided then and there to never talk to him again . Left me in a mess of confusion . But for the first time I was free . What an emotional ride right ?

Strange part is right when this ended I met someone knew . I was afraid to be with anyone . How can love be a lie ? My new guy does whatever it takes to make sure I feel loved by him no matter what .

I feel for the first time maybe this is how love is supposed to be . Are there issues ? Yes . Is he the one
I don't know yet . But here I am for the second time loving someone . Here's to a new chapter .

Wednesday, February 8, 2017


I thought for sure you would come home . So much time has passed and your not here . I met someone new , I'll give it a chance , he never reads my writing and that's my heart so I don't know , how can you be my best friend if you don't read what's the best part of me ? The jury is still out on this one . A year has passed quickly . My heart seems to be getting worse my biggest fear is dying and I'm alone . I'm alone right now . The music plays . I'm tired of hearing how pretty I am how am I single but yet here I am alone . People who acted like they cared aren't here , no one is .

Thursday, December 22, 2016

When You Come To The Surface

it's only a few days until Christmas . Things aren't so good and usually things are pretty great . I'm living on faith . Your the only one who loved me for me . Never touched me on the outside but my insides are full of your finger prints . I have no way to wash them away . No one tries to reach in the middle , your far away in a castle now and I just want to reach you . I'm screaming silently do you hear me still ? I can't escape my own soul , that's your own

Sunday, December 4, 2016

The News

Depeche Mode this week has become some sort of an obsession as well as the quote, "Don't beg anyone to love you." This is true . Why should I ?  Even if he is my one true love, I need to be his. I need to focus on finding a new job. I am here upset I feel betrayed by some of my good friends , maybe his hands were tied but he should have fired that asshole who threatened me at work. He was a piece of shit a real crazy asshole. I am turning in the cover to my new book I need to focus on getting this done and published. Things were going so well and then bamb ! The breaks go out in my car, and I was sick in the hospital and here I am at square one. Its ok Ill bounce back. I need a new car and apparently some new friends.

I have a few great ones thats pretty great too. Fuck you if you have been aweful. My love of my life I think I secretly gave til this December to come back , but there has been nothing.. How has fate lied to me. I feel him every day. I been alone every day and I am beginning to feel alone.  I deserve to be swept off my feet the only thing guys want is sex. Can I get dinner please?

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

What A disaster

It was Valentines night a few years back , I had a horrible date who was drunk when I arrived at his house for our date. I rushed to get off work early , got ready and there he was wasted. A long time child hood friend. They all smoked pot that night , I was so upset about my valentines I smoked too. This wasnt something I usually did or ever for that matter. I took one hit and went into convulsions yes seizures. and my date was passed out i was left alone with a room full of strangers scared and mad. I went to my dates room and laid down, I could not drive home and who could I call on Valentines to pick me up? I laid there, my heart pounded, I called my mom afraid and I just laid there. I stayed up all night looking at my loves instagram the one I had not heard from I was so afraid I would like one of his post being that I was all fucked up, I closed the app. I began to cry. I was up all night. In the morning my date woke up left the room saying nothing and never returned. What a total dick right? I snuck out left. I never heard from him again.

I didnt care because I was still in love with "him". I was dating to forget, It got me no where. Did I tell you what happened in Oregon ? I should write a book on bad dating experiences. I had a friend I talked to over a year , just friends. He offered to fly me out to Oregon for a weekend because I was having a bad week, Ill explain that later, He was handsome and rich and nice, he seemed........

I flew there. Ha! I arrived he told me I was there to have fun , after 2 days of being treated like crap , we went beautiful places but he was drunk and high he whole time, the last night he dropped me off at a ghetto hotel to find my way to the air port myself.  He didnt want his kids to see me....... Nice right ?

I get there , alone in a different state, Im sitting there in pretty pajamas , and I hear water falling, I look in the bathroom the ceiling caved in !!!! I had to run out in lingere with black mascare tears running down my face to get help.


I decided to take along time off dating. The reason I went up there was because of my birthday , did I mention it was my birthday? I was supposed to be at Disneyland with a guy who hit on my friend.

So..... I took months off dating. Why was getting these guys. I didnt want anything serious maybe that is why
I still loved my guy > He was no where to be found.

So 3 months goes by I begin talking to this guy in Oceanside he is pretty good looking , we go out and have good connection, then disappears.

Then my love comes back !

Finally. But then he left 3 months later , So here I am 1 year and 6 months later single. No dates thank you
do you blame me.

Friday, September 2, 2016

What is the issue

Why is it so hard to find someone ? Am I not pretty enough ? Is it beauty in today's world ? Tell me ? Is it because my heart has been sold to someone else ? Every person I meet just wants too hook up they have no intention of knowing me . I'm tired of hearing you will find the right person someday because I'm 38. Now I'm convinced I'm doing something wrong . So tell me what am I doing wrong ? I'm begging everyone out there to tell me . Leave your comments below . 

Thursday, August 18, 2016

When Is It Worth It

It's 10 pm it seems all my blogs are written at 10 pm . I'm in bed and listening to The Used again . I was thinking about self worth . Have you ever hung out with someone and felt like you needed to be more to be accepted by them ? 

If I had a better car , job , body , the list could virtually go on . Till we are mad and this blog is very important so please listen carefully . 

So your thinking am I enough ? Do you have a low self esteem ? What is it ? 

There is a huge conclusion that I believe has been dismissed . Maybe perhaps these people don't treat you based upon your worth , because maybe if they did would you feel lacking ? Sure no one is responsible for making you feel whole 
This is not what am I saying , I'm also not saying you walk around sulking for compliments to feel better - this is not my point either . 

Of course it's always good to improve you but at the whim of your own expectations and standards . 

If you are around someone that makes you feel less , you just might , just might not have a true friend or lover . Maybe they feel inadequate themselves . 

So when you look in the mirror your not happy change it , but if your not happy looking in someone else's mirror change them - you know what I mean . 

Life is to short be around people who lift you up and give you more than crumbs 

Remember you are the stock everyone wants to buy !!!! 

- Agent Orange