Saturday, May 19, 2018

Addict letter to my love

This is on my dear diary blog . You’ll never find this I’m sure maybe you’ll never read anything I write . I’m not even sure if you love me . You don’t write or don’t call . I don’t know what world you got lost in I just know that I can’t  exist with you and I’m a mess . How do I deal with the pain you left me in . You begged me to believe you and to stay and in the end you walked away from me the pain hurts so bad it feels like you murder me in cold blood . I was faithful and loyal to you . I loved you . Fuck drugs and alcohol that stole you from me . Stole my love my best friend . I can’t I can’t get you back
I walk around with a fake smile . Pretending I’m ok . I’m falling apart I beg god to help me . Beg him for mercy . It’s like every second being dragged across razor blades . And nothing can make it better .

I don’t know where you are or if you’ll find me again or if you even care but this is my love letter to you it’s so fucking real . And you told me to just go away .

Fuck addiction it’s steals souls . Ripping you from my loving arms like a thief in the night when I was not awake . You were gone . I won’t let you go I’m fighting inside my arms are out to you

It’s no fairy tale it’s a fucking nightmare . I’m screaming your not here in this empty room
Just take my heart where ever you go - it serves you with your name on it

Hold it in your pocket never forget who brought you here who loved you
Never forget . As I wait for you

Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Run

Oh Dear Dark Poet .

Where have we gotten and gotten ourselves out of this time . I promised to never be in an abusuve relationship again after my divorce . I even devoted years of being single and not being with the wrong person to only pick an abusive person again. I spend all my time looking at why would someone treat me so badly and keep coming back to do it ? Instead of why am I allowing it . So let’s get down to the nitty gritty . Why do I need to prove that I am loveable ? To someone who cannot love me ? They do not treat me as I am loveable . My time and love and heart and even my looks were not of value to this person . Why did I need to prove my worth ? Did I not see my own worth within my self ? I thought I did . I thought I was strong . I should’ve left at the first lie , the first sign of abuse . Why am I abusing myself ? Here is something I need to work on . And stay single because dear lord I don’t need to be anyone’s door Mat . I’m writing this because I hope anyone out there in my situation gets out ! Just as I did . Please get out

Thursday, August 3, 2017

Break up

So I break up with new boyfriend . It's to bad I thought he was the one . He continues to do awful things to me . Very awful but blames me . He's an addict I won't put up with his crap and he is never there for me . But he told me he was fine and I'm unstable . This in turn makes me so angry I don't even know what to do with my anger . Have you ever been that mad ? Who abuses someone in such away ? I been there for him this whole time . He just treats me like a door mat to have or do whatever or when ever he wants . My feelings never mattered . Plus he promised to get sober last night he said he never in his life will . I have a little girl . Why or how did I believe in someone who is so evil to me . Who lied and wasted my time ? It's my fault I should've left and stayed gone when I knew he was an addict . They can't even comprehend a healthy relationship and could never meet my needs . He treats his own daughter this way why wouldn't he me . Makes sense right ? He does not protect our relationship or keep my heart safe . Funny he wants me to trust him . How could I trust someone like that ? At all ? He does not care . He never ask how I'm doing or how I'm feeling ever .

His life is work , gym , video games and drugs and drinking . Very grown up . He can't even give me a whole day of his time he needs video games and alcohol and drugs .

He called me un stable ? I'm very sad with myself that I let this sick person hurt me in such a bad way or that I actually believed in his promises when all he did was manipulate me to get what he wanted with out changing any thing .

He's the same person that I met 4 months ago as last night blaming me for his problems
Thank God it's over

Monday, July 10, 2017

Last Dance

I'm not sure he really knows I exist either . He ask why I think he dosent love me , but he isn't there for me when I need him . I don't think he thinks I'm pretty or wants me because he never says so , he won't check this because my writing isn't something that's important to him . He won't share his past when we're together he barely talks , I wonder why he is with me . He says he loves me but what to him is love ? He has all the right words to make me stay , but no actions except at night when we cuddle that's the only time he is really nice . Most of the time I'm sad not happy . What am I holding on to any way ? He dosent understand what's wrong ? I feel like I'm alone . He lives with his ex girlfriend , this I hate every day , if I moved in with an ex he would freak out and go away . I don't get what I need I know this , I don't know what to do . I love him but I'm not happy most of the time but being with out him would be sad to

Friday, June 30, 2017

Look The Other Way

It's my fault . I proceed when there are caution signs . I always hope for the best but I just should listen to what my gut tells me . But when my gut tells me this is it , that didn't work out either . Why can't anyone give same love I give ? If I'm wrong I fix it ! Isn't that what best friends and lovers do ?
Why do people just give up on life . My good friend told me once men are immature and selfish . He himself a man I appreciated the honesty . I appreciate honesty and a hard life that comes by trying to do the right thing and not giving up on yourself or the ones you love . I don't respect a coward . Some people have pain so big they push it away , and in turn they push everything away until there so numb they just don't really feel anymore . I did that before . It took years to feel again I don't ever want to go back to that cold place . Where god can't even reach you .

Be brave ! Admit when your wrong and fight for yourself . I think I just want to be single forever no more men , to lie to me or walk on me . At least no tears being alone right . What happened to people cherishing each other ? Putting each other ahead of them selves ?

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

The Big Question.

It's Tuesday around 4:30 p.m. I have no job and I'm in need of a miracle a big one . I'm here to write about love . What is it ? It's something you give ahead of yourself . The problem is if you hate yourself , you can't give love . It's not in you to give . Your full of insecurities you need to hide . Love requires your whole heart . You have to be in a place to give it to give or even receive love in the right manner .

I can't seem to find this love . People say they love me but they are so selfish or messed up they can't give love back . How do I find the right love ? Will anyone ever truly love me before I die ?

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

When everything is a lie

It's been a while so let's catch up . Let me tell you about the horrible emotional roller coaster I went through a month or so ago . My last 4 month relationship didn't work out , big surprise I kind of knew it from the beginning as you could tell from my last post . The day we broke up texting and fighting back and forth in a furry , I wished in my head my true love would just come back and save me . I swear this is a true story . As we text back and forth I received an email from my love that I been waiting for , for over a year . I was so confused I didn't know how to feel . He was back . But had no reason ? This put my heart in a weird place . I went through so much when he was gone . Why was he here ? After talking back and forth a few weeks I asked him . He said it was because he could always just talk to me . As a friend . Hmmm ... I decided then and there to never talk to him again . Left me in a mess of confusion . But for the first time I was free . What an emotional ride right ?

Strange part is right when this ended I met someone knew . I was afraid to be with anyone . How can love be a lie ? My new guy does whatever it takes to make sure I feel loved by him no matter what .

I feel for the first time maybe this is how love is supposed to be . Are there issues ? Yes . Is he the one
I don't know yet . But here I am for the second time loving someone . Here's to a new chapter .